BASIC Southern Road Trip Rules:

1. No stopping (except to refuel at two pit stops: Virginia and North Carolina, which takes forever to get through).
2. No beverages.
3. Leave at 1am or thereabouts to avoid traffic, speed traps and other well-known conflamma.
4. Pack whatever you want to eat. (see #1)
   Driver snacks of choice:
   • Peanut M&M's
   • Oreos (with Double Stuff)
   • Wavy Lays
   • Red Bull
5. Pack whatever you want to listen to--as long as it keeps the driver alert.
6. No sleeping.
7. No arguing.
8. No maps. Why bring them? You know where you're going. A map will only make you veer off into some tourist trap. (See#10.)
9. No trashing the car. Or the driver, for that matter---by tickling him when he says something that you don't like.
10. Absolutely no tourista pit stops at Confederate memorials, anyplace that advertises "Home Cooking" or "Momma's" ('cause you know it ain't true) or that sprawling Texicali mess somewhere in North Carolina---Pedro's South of the Border. (The last thing you need is to eat bad Mexican food and then ride the Whirly-gig Spin 'n Barf.) And you can't see that stupid Snake Farm, either.